


Strong man needs manipulative man (It said that in the bible I think)

by Petersolacenovak



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Izaya Being Izaya (Durarara!!), M/M, Texting, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petersolacenovak/pseuds/Petersolacenovak
Summary: 3:12 amStrongman: Who is thisKanra: who do u think this is3:15Strongman: Shinra?Kanra: wrong, its the devil and i've come 4 ur dick(A text fic where Izaya knows exactly who he matched with on 'christian-singles-in-Ikebukuro.com' while Shizuo has no clue who the other is)
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	1. I dont like dogs but i do like ass

**Author's Note:**

> maybe with this i can find love too

_ You have found a match  _

_ Chat? _

_ Kanra has sent a message  _

  
  


Kanra: well hello there 

Strongman: Hey

Kanra: your name is amusing 

Strongman: Oh, my friend picked it out for me

Strongman: Wait does it mean something else 

Kanra: like what 

Strongman: Uh you know 

Kanra: :) 

Kanra: I’m not saying anything unless you ask directly 

Strongman: Whatever fuck off 

Kanra: ooh someone’s a little touchy 

Strongman: Uh huh so what do you do 

Kanra: like as a job

Strongman: Yes

Kanra: ice cream salesman 

Strongman: Huh

Strongman: Cool.

Kanra: and what do you do 

Strongman: I’m a debt collector. The muscle 

Kanra: ah sounds intense 

Strongman: Kind of, I like my work though, my coworkers are pretty ok

Kanra: im jealous I work by myself 

Strongman: Really? You run an entire ice cream shop by yourself?

Kanra: yes 

Strongman: Bullshit

Kanra: im not a liar

Strongman: Fuck well you’re a hard worker for sure then 

Kanra: thanks 

Kanra: what’s your favorite book 

Strongman: Uhhhh

Strongman: I like bleach 

Kanra: the manga ?

Strongman: yeah 

Kanra: oh 

Kanra: not a literature enthusiast then?

Strongman: I’m guessing you are?

Kanra: yes 

Kanra: books are a man’s best friend 

Strongman: I thought that was dogs

Kanra: i hate dogs 

Strongman: nobody hates dogs

Kanra: well i do 

Strongman: Obviously someone’s put the wrong idea in your head then 

Strongman: Dogs are great 

Kanra: clearly youve never been chased by rottweiler 

Strongman: Cannot say that I have 

Kanra: i like cats anyways 

Strongman: I do too, my brother has one 

Strongman: it’s cute 

Kanra: i bet it is 

Kanra: i want a cat 

Kanra: maybe i should go buy one 

Strongman: Right now? 

Kanra: yes 

Strongman: Youre impulsive 

Kanra: not usually 

Kanra: guess today im just having fun 

Strongman: Because of me? 

Kanra: actually yes 

Kanra: youre easier to talk to than some of the other weirdos on this app

Strongman: What was wrong with the others 

Kanra: one asked for nudes immediately

Kanra: another told me i was going to die in twenty four hours if i didn’t convert to their religion

Kanra: oh and one told me they knew where I lived and were going to beat me if I didn’t send nudes

Kanra: mostly just people asking for nudes 

Strongman: Oh my god what the fuck 

Kanra: that’s usually how to goes 

Kanra: you haven’t had anyone ask for nudes yet ?

Strongman: You're the first person I’ve matched with 

Kanra: wait 

Strongman: Yeah?

Kanra: really ?

Kanra: so im your first ?

Strongman: I guess

Strongman: Does it matter 

Kanra: no but i like knowing i have first dibs on something 

Strongman: Did you just call me a something

Kanra: i also said i had dibs on you 

Strongman: Yeah I chose to ignore that part 

Kanra: hmm

Strongman: Do any guys have dibs on you?

Kanra: oho jealous, are we?

Strongman: No just curious 

Kanra: well i have quite a few men in my life 

Strongman: Oh. 

Kanra: none are very serious however

Strongman: oh 

Strongman: Great.

Strongman: Awesome. 

Kanra: i am looking for someone to focus solely on though

Kanra: i guess you could be a contender…

Kanra: but you don’t have any photos of yourself on your profile

Strongman: You don’t either

Kanra: i have a secretive life

Kanra: if i shared who i was, you might be in danger

Strongman: I thought you said you were an ice cream salesman

Kanra: oh i lied, im a secret agent 

Strongman: You’re annoying

Kanra: im serious, i got mad kickass moves 

Strongman: I bet 

Kanra: boi i could throw you down 

Strongman: I literally beat people up for a living, you aren't threatening to me 

Kanra: im not threatening at all?

Strongman: No

Kanra: what if i said i knew your address

Strongman: I’m not sending nudes

Kanra: :( 

Kanra: pls shizuo 

Strongman: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS 

  
  
  



	2. Insert fisting joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t actually expect people to read this i thought the fandom was dead lol

Kanra: i don’t like it when you yell at me :,(

Strongman: WHO ARE YOU 

Kanra: a friend 

Kanra: potential soulmate 

Strongman: IM REPORTING YOU 

Kanra: no no don’t do that then we can’t talk 

Strongman: How do you know my name 

Kanra: im a hacker 

Strongman: You said you were a secret agent 

Kanra: now im a hacker 

Strongman: What the hell are you 

Kanra: well

Strongman: Izaya if this is you I swear to fucking god 

Kanra: who’s izaya 

Strongman: Who is this

Kanra: who do u think this is

Strongman: Shinra?

Kanra: wrong, its the devil and i've come 4 ur dick

Strongman: STOP IT 

Kanra: look, im sorry to dissipoint but I really am just a hacker and found your account info so 

Strongman: Why would you do that 

Kanra: boredom 

Strongman: At least tell me your real name then 

Strongman: So we’re even 

Kanra: i-

Kanra: you want to keep talking?

Strongman: …

Kanra: Shizuo, you’re desperate 

Strongman: Shut up tell me your name 

Kanra: why tho

Strongman: Name. Now.

Kanra: nakura

Strongman: Are you lying 

Kanra: do you not like it 

Kanra: that hurts my feelings 

Strongman: Oh uh 

Strongman: No it’s nice 

Strongman: And I’m going to kill you 

Kanra: wahhhhh wahhhh

Kanra: don’t get whiny just because I managed to find out your personal information 

Strongman: I know this kid who’s good with computers actually, I’m gonna ask him to hack you back 

Kanra: mikado ?

Strongman: What

Kanra: I hacked him too 

Strongman: You’re insane 

Kanra: shizuo I just want to be friends

Strongman: Friends my ass 

Kanra: i do want to become well acquainted with your ass yes

Strongman: You’re gonna get real friendly with my fist if you don’t shut it 

Kanra: insert fisting joke 

Strongman: I SAID STOP 

Kanra: let’s just see where this goes 

Kanra: who knows maybe by the end of this, youll be madly in love with me 

Strongman: I very much doubt that.

Kanra: at our wedding I want everyone to wear brown 

Strongman: The fuck why? That’s so ugly

Kanra: cause then we’ll be the best looking obviously 

Kanra: no one can pull off brown 

Kanra: and you very easily agreed to a wedding i see 

Strongman: I didn’t agree I just said I don’t want people to look like giant turds at my wedding

Kanra: so vulgar shizuo 

Strongman: Yeah whatever 

Strongman: I want a big cake 

Kanra: how big

Strongman: As big as the table we sit at 

Kanra: pretty big then 

Strongman: I want it to be strawberry champagne flavored. I had that at my aunt and uncle’s wedding and it was great 

Kanra: done 

Kanra: I want white lillies 

Strongman: And lilac 

Kanra: ooh a purple and white theme sounds tasteful

Kanra: how surprising of you shizuo 

Strongman: Why 

Kanra: you’re usually a brute 

Strongman: No I’m not 

Kanra: relax hubby

Kanra: anyways I can totally get that shit prepared

Kanra: I am a wedding planner after all

Strongman: I thought you said you were a hacker 

Kanra: did I say that?

Strongman: Yes.

Kanra: you must’ve read it wrong 

Kanra: anyways! cheese platters are a must 

Strongman: We’re not actually getting married 

Kanra: …

Kanra: but 

Strongman: No. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Cat got your dick?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend reminds me of izaya and they said I remind them of shizuo so I guess it’s time to just fucken
> 
> I want a cheesborgur

Strongman: And then i punched the son of a bitch

Kanra: oh my 

Strongman: Yeah Izaya is so damn annoying 

Kanra: hmm 

Kanra: hmmm

Kanra: hmmmmmmmm

Strongman: Jesus what 

Kanra: i dont know 

Kanra: nothing 

Strongman: Hey spit it out 

Kanra: well it’s just, i think there might be some unresolved tension between you two 

Strongman: huh 

Kanra: im a couples counselor, i know a thing or two, and rn it sounds like you wanna make out with this guy 

Strongman: I FUCKING DONT 

Kanra: i can’t not say the truth shizuo 

Strongman: YOURE NOT A COUPLES COUNSOLOR

Kanra: you are correct 

Kanra: im a *counselor

Kanra: learn how to spell before you insult my honor 

Strongman: IDONTLIKEIZAYAWHYWOULDYPUSAYTHAT

Kanra: ok ok whatever 

Kanra: the first step is denial 

Strongman: Shut it

Strongman: How was your day then? Annoy anyone besides me?

Kanra: nah ive been focused on you all day 

Strongman: What’d you have for breakfast 

Kanra: pancakes 

Strongman: You got a sweet tooth?

Kanra: 100% yes 

Strongman: What kind 

Kanra: blueberry 

Kanra: and sprinkles and syrup and whipped cream 

Strongman: I’m guessing you have lots of cavities 

Kanra: no

Strongman: Are you sure 

Kanra: ok so i have a few that’s not your business 

Strongman: Haha 

Strongman: what about work? Go to your ice cream shop/hacker den/secret agent hideout/therapy office? 

Kanra: i didn’t really go out today 

Strongman: Why not 

Kanra: i have the flu

Strongman: It’s June 

Kanra: i know and it sucks 

Strongman: What are your symptoms?

Kanra: snotty, coughing, upset stomach 

Strongman: Fever?

Kanra: no 

Kanra: but i did throw up in my kitchen earlier

Strongman: Oh shit did you clean it up or are you too sick to do that 

Kanra: i had my secretary do that for me 

Kanra: she hates me 

Strongman: Shit well I’m sorry for arguing when you’re sick.

Kanra: oh believe me im very capable of taking care of myself even when sick 

Kanra: i even fought with a beast this morning 

Strongman: A beast?

Kanra: yes this awful blonde haired creature attacked me on my way to the pharmacy today

Strongman: Shit sounds rough 

Kanra: indeed 

Strongman: Was it a dog?

Kanra: just some mutt 

Strongman: But you’re in bed now?

Kanra: why does my bed interest you 

Strongman: What no I was just cause you said that you were sick so 

Kanra: Pervvvvvv

Strongman: SHUT UP I WAS JUST SIFNEKEORN

Kanra: shizuo is a pervert shizuo is a pervert 

Strongman: Shut up right now you don’t know anything.

Kanra: I know you want me in bed 

Strongman: FUCK YOU 

Kanra: im sick, not in the mood 

Kanra: but maybe when I’m feeling better ;)

Strongman: I 

Strongman: Um I 

Kanra: cat got your tongue?

Strongman: I gotta 

Strongman: I have a thing and stuff 

Kanra: you have to go? :( 

Strongman: I’ll send you a pic of my curry 

Kanra: :|

Kanra: ok?

Kanra: is this how you flirt? 

Kanra: no wonder you’re still single 

Strongman: I just like curry 

Kanra: and me?

Strongman: Look over there 

Kanra: what 

Kanra: shizuo 

Kanra: SHIZUO 

Kanra: sigh

Strongman: …

Strongman: ...and you

Kanra: I LOVE YOU TOO 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s fun watching shizuo fall in love with a boy who he thinks is honest and kind and a little mischievous-only to discover months later that it’s his ‘worst enemy’
> 
> But that worst enemy wants to fuck so honestly it’s not that bad

**Author's Note:**

> i wish gotham was still on god i feel like a fuckin oswald kinnie this aint good boys


End file.
